


After the Wedding

by 1000Lilacs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom Castiel, Drunk Sex, F/M, Fingering, First Time, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Quickies, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-01 03:41:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8605900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1000Lilacs/pseuds/1000Lilacs
Summary: Dean & Cas are invited to a wedding. Seeing each other in a tux and a bit of drinking lead to an unforgettable night





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you @penguinoverlord for your talent in editing. You always make me look better than i really am xxx

“Son of a bitch!” Dean’s voice comes from the kitchen area and for a change, it doesn’t come with the sound of anything breaking, a fact that Cas finds intriguing.

 

“Dean?” he calls as he manifests himself in the middle of the kitchen.

 

“I can’t believe this crap!” Dean says, sounding distraught.

 

“What is it?” Cas asks and, as always, his expression immediately mirrors Dean’s.

 

“Don’t worry about it Cas,” he answers, exasperated, and throws a thick envelope into the trash can. “There’s no way in hell I’m doing this anyway, as I can’t follow the rules.”

 

“What are the rules?” Cas asks and as it very often happens, he feels lost in a sea of references he will never be able to fully understand.

 

“It’s a stupid thing, really," Dean says and grabs a bottle of beer from the fridge before he sits down next to the kitchen table, sipping silently with the ‘I’m fine’ expression that he loves so much.

 

“It’s obviously not stupid, because you look concerned,” Cas insists.

 

“It’s a bet,” Dean says quickly. “One of my high school girlfriends, Shannon. We had a hot little thing going on between us before she realized she’s more into girls,” he says, blushing. “We stayed friends and we made a pledge that if, at some point, it is legal for her to marry a woman, I'll have to come to her wedding.”

 

“I cannot see why you would be so upset by this, Dean. People go to weddings everyday,” Cas says, sounding very reasonable.

 

“Yes,” Dean answers, “but that’s not the problem. The problem is that I said this will never happen, and she… Well, she said that if it  _does_  happen, I will have to come to the wedding with a man."

 

Cas looks at him blankly, not really understanding the problem. He could easily take Sam.

 

“As my date,” Dean continues.

 

“Oh, so I guess it would not be appropriate if you take Sam."

 

“No, not fucking appropriate,” answers Dean, annoyed.

 

After a silent moment, Cas says “You can take me.”

 

“What?” Dean raises his voice inappropriately for the situation. “No fucking way!"

 

Cas is hurt and also confused. What was it that made Dean so angry?

 

“I’m sorry Dean,” he says and starts walking out of the kitchen.

 

“No, wait,” Dean says and grabs his hand. "I’m sorry.” He looks up at him. “I was being an ass. It was nice of you to offer and I’d love for us to go together. Just… you know… it’s not a fricking date or anything Cas.”

 

***

 

Cas fumbles with his cuff links, feeling a little self-conscious about the new suit his vessel is wearing. Dean said it’s called a tux and it’s considered the best thing to wear for this kind of an event. In Cas’s opinion, a tux is mainly itchy and too tight. Cas wouldn’t like anything more than to take all of this off and get back into his normal suit and trench coat. The constant hassle of choosing and changing clothes all the time is one of the things he least understands about humanity.

 

After long minutes of struggle, he decides to ask Dean for his help.

 

Dean is in his room, and for a moment when Cas sees him he can’t remember what he wanted to say; because Dean in a tux suddenly starts explaining a thing or two about clothes and why people like them. To him he looks stunning.

 

“What do you need Cas?” Dean asks while gazing nervously at his mirror.

 

“Can you please help me with these?” Cas raises his hands to Dean’s eye level so he can see the problem and Dean smiles, because while doing this Cas looks a lot like a toddler.

 

Dean helps Cas with his cuff links and then, voluntarily, he straightens his bow tie and Cas can’t deny that even for a socially awkward creature like him, the length of time Dean keeps eye contact is quite longer than he is used to.

 

“C’mon, we need to go,” Dean suddenly averts his eyes and pats Cas on the shoulder.

 

The wedding is fantastic. Both brides are stunningly beautiful, Shannon is sweet and so happy to see them and they drink a lot; to the point where they laugh without even knowing why and at one point, when there’s a slow dance, Shannon forces Cas and Dean to dance together, saying that it’s important to make the bride happy on her wedding day.

 

Throughout the whole thing, Cas, not as easily influenced by alcohol, notices that the looks from Dean become longer and deeper and he’s not necessarily hating it.

 

By the end of the evening, Dean is so drunk that they decide to stay at a nearby hotel and as they drag themselves to their room; Dean is laughing and mumbling and Cas is sort of dragging him and he helps him take off his tux and lays him on the bed with only his boxers on.

 

It takes less than 3 minutes for Dean to fall asleep, and after standing and watching him for a while, Cas decides that this would be a great time to rid himself of the uncomfortable suit. He takes his time taking off each item of clothing and folding them carefully. He doesn’t sleep so he’s not in a hurry. When he’s finally left with his boxers and socks on, he turns around to see Dean awake and looking at him with a look that he has never seen before.

 

“Dean,” he says, looking into his eyes but the intensity of Dean's gaze forces him to look away. “You should sleep.”

 

“Look at me Cas,” Dean whispers.

 

Cas looks at him again, and for a few long seconds nothing is said.

 

“Come here please,” Dean says and shifts a little on the bed to make room for the angel.

 

Cas finds it a bit unusual but if there’s anyone in this universe he trusts, it’s Dean; so he sits on the bed and he feels something like an electric current going through his body; one of the many sensations his human vessel occasionally has, only this time he knows he cannot push it aside like he usually does.

 

Dean grabs his wrist and pulls him a bit closer and without too much thinking, Cas falls on his lips and kisses him but quickly he reminds himself that in Dean's world, dudes don’t kiss other dudes so he starts to pull away; when, to his surprise, Dean wraps his arm around his neck and pulls him into a second, deeper kiss and his hands are everywhere – smoothing the skin on Cas’s face, touching his neck, brushing his back and chest and pinching his nipples. Cas feels like someone lit a very strong flame inside his vessel when all of his body turns into nerve ends, all standing in anticipation for the next touch.

 

Slowly, Dean lays Cas back on the bed, kissing each part of him, caressing gently and all the while watching his angel to see if it’s okay, ready to pull away at the first sign of resistance or discomfort but Cas looks…a bit tense, yet also ready for whatever may happen.

 

Dean gets up, a bit clumsily and takes his boxers off, then does the same for Cas and his face looks like he's unwrapping a Christmas present when he takes a minute to just stare at Cas’s beautiful dick.

 

From his emergency bag, he takes a small bottle of lube and looks into Cas’s eyes one more time just to make sure he’s still okay.

 

He lies between Cas's legs, his fingers lubed, and he is watching Cas's face intently as he gently opens him for the first time.

 

Cas's eyes are closed, and his breathing is shallow. He's scared but also excited and he has been waiting for this for so long without really being aware of it.

 

Dean sees his excitement and it makes his mouth dry, because he’ll probably never admit it, but he’s been dreaming about this too. He kisses the soft, fuzzy skin of Cas's thigh and Cas moans loudly, his body shivering,

“Shush,” Dean says. “I'll take care of you. It's okay.”

 

His left hand is rubbing Cas's heaving abdomen, while his right continues to massage his insides when his finger hits a certain spot that makes Cas whine. He sounds so vulnerable that Dean's eyes suddenly fill up with tears because he understands the amount of trust that Cas has in him, allowing him to do this.

 

He slides up to kiss Cas and reaches to hold his hand as his heart is almost bursting with the love he feels for this man. He continues kissing him while he’s searching inside of him for that sweet spot and when he finds it, Cas's fingers clench around Dean’s hand and his other hand is pulling at the sheets. Not leaving Cas’s hand, Dean starts to slowly move south with his mouth, kissing Cas’s shoulder, licking his nipple and planting little, dry kisses over his abdomen until he gets to his magnificent cock and continues to kiss gently along his length and lick that thick vein and then suckle lightly over the head until Cas is desperate and cries for more. Dean doesn’t stop looking at his face; his beautiful face filled with desire that makes him so much more attractive and angelic. He slowly goes deeper, letting the head disappear inside his mouth while licking that gentle spot under it, and Cas's eyes close without him even realizing when Dean stops, and in a huskier than usual voice he says "Look at me, Cas." And Cas looks at him, not daring to break the gaze and he builds up, almost exploding with want but manages between moans of pleasure to whisper "I need you to let me touch it."

 

Surprised, Dean shifts, so that Cas can touch his dick and Cas, wild with desire, grabs him without thinking too much, as if he couldn’t go on for another second without touching him.

 

Dean is moaning and he feels a little lightheaded but he doesn’t stop, he keeps licking and sucking and the vibration of his moans on Cas’s dick are so intense that for one moment Cas is sure he's gonna come but then Dean stops, grabs the base of his dick and squeezes. Not yet.

 

"D-Dean!" Cas yells out in utter shock and pleasure.

 

Dean's fingers are still inside of Cas and he gently resumes massaging his prostate, and while his mouth is back on his dick, Cas is, again, almost over the edge. He grabs Dean's hair, massaging his scalp, pulling him closer but as the sensation intensifies, he suddenly doesn’t know what to do with his hands and he lets them slide off to bunch the sheets in his fists; as Dean grabs one of his hands again to hold it as he slides up Cas's body, dropping kisses and nips to distract him from the fact that he's putting on a condom, and Cas isn't really paying attention to what’s happening because all of his being is concentrated on that sweet spot inside of him and the disappointing sensation as Dean’s fingers depart from it, until he feels Dean nudge against his entrance.

 

Neither of them have much time to think about it, about how all of this just happened out of the blue, while they are driven by desire and a sense of something inevitable. Cas feels a slight pain when Dean pushes in, followed by the most amazing pleasure. Flashes of boiling energy travel through his body as Dean is slowly pushing in until he feels Dean's balls pressed to his body and feels full in a way he has never felt before. He raises his head, reaching for Dean's mouth and swallows him with the most passionate kiss while Dean pulls out a little only to slam back into him.

 

“My angel," he whispers while he slams back into him again. Cas looks into his eyes, hazed and beyond ability to comprehend anything except this magnificent act that their bodies are performing now.  
“I've got you Cas,” Dean says when Cas’s moans turn to cries of pleasure.

 

“Sshhh. It's alright Angel.”

 

Cas tries to smile shyly but he's so aroused now that it looks weird and he kisses Dean again.

 

Dean knows that he’s about to lose it as he picks up the pace. It feels so good to be inside Cas and all of his world is now centered in the disappearing gap between their bodies.

 

Cas throws his head back and moans loudly as Dean pushes in again and Dean gently bites his neck.

 

"How come we never did this before?" Dean whispers in Cas's ear but Cas is beyond reason and he’s writhing beneath him, as if trying to leave no space at all between them. Dean pulls back a little to look at the beauty of the intense lust on Cas's face but Cas is too close to explosion and he pushes his hips up to meet Dean half way, faster and stronger. This makes Dean lose it completely.

 

His body is now working in a crazy pace and the sounds of their bodies bumping, their beating hearts and their moans of pleasure, is the music that accompanies them.

Cas's hands are all over Dean’s back, caressing, encouraging him to go faster, pulling him closer and it drives him insane.

 

Then he feels Cas's body tense and he starts to spasm around Dean's dick while he comes. This sends Dean over the edge and he finishes with a loud cry of Cas's name and falls over Cas's body, panting while planting little kisses on Cas's chest and neck.

 

As they slowly calm down from their ecstasy, Dean kisses Cas and whispers "I love you," in Cas's ear.

"I know," Cas says with a devilish grin and kisses Dean back.

 

 


	2. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the morning after, Dean wakes up and doesn't know how to handle last night's events so he does what he's best at and pushes everybody away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you @penguinoverlord for your talent in editing. You always make me look better than i really am xxx

Dean wakes up and for a few seconds all he can think about is that there is something (or someone) on his arm and that his head is about to explode. He vaguely remembers drinking too much last night and... what else? Sex? Yes, he remembers sex, which would explain the weight on his arm.

It takes maybe ten seconds before the image of WHO he had sex with gets clearer in his mind and panic rises up in his chest.

What the fuck was he thinking? What the fuck was he doing? And what does it say about him? Is he gay now? And what if Sam hears about it? He wants to die of shame just from thinking about that…

And Cas! Dear, naïve Cas… What about their relationship? What will happen now? This guy has been like a brother to him and this can mess everything up…

He looks to his side gingerly, as if he doesn’t really want to do it, and finds Cas there, totally awake and looking at him.

“Good morning Dean,” he says in this gruff voice of his.

“Good morning Cas,” he says and to his ears his voice sounds so tired, but looking at these eyes, though his mind is writhing wildly with all the implications, something warm is swirling in his chest and abdomen. He easily gets the abdomen swirling as lust though it is definitely new for him to lust for another man. Well, he is aware to the fact that he isn’t really a man and he just takes a male human form while using this vessel, but still, he has the body of a man and that was… weird.

The second sensation, that thing swirling around in his chest, is a new one and it takes him a while to separate it from the other sensations, especially the headache, and takes a while longer to decide that it is definitely not heartburn. The interesting thing is that this fluffy snake of feelings in his chest, plays with the one in his stomach and he realizes they are connected to each other. Love? The thought shoots across his mind and he shivers. Love is not for him. Not this kind of love.

Cas is still staring into his eyes, not moving, except for the slow movement of his chest when he’s breathing. His impulse, the one deep inside of him is to kiss Cas and maybe do more than that but he knows this is wrong. They need to forget about this as soon as possible and go back to normal life. Besides, he’s not gay. Probably being a guest in a gay wedding did something to him and that’s okay. No harm in experimenting but that’s what it was and no more.

He pulls his arm from under Cas’s head more forcibly than he intends and without a word, walks groggily towards the bathroom, where he brushes his teeth and splashes cold water on his face. Then he lets the water keep running and looks at the mirror, staring incredulously into his own eyes. From all the messed-up things he could have done, this is probably one of the worst.

“Dean, are you okay?” Cas knocks on the door. At least he knows now that no matter how worried he is, it is not acceptable to manifest himself in the bathroom when a dude is doing his business there.

“I’m fine,” he barks and again he’s a bit surprised by the roughness of his reaction.

There is no answer beyond the door and suddenly Dean is so scared that Cas had enough with this attitude and decided to disappear.

“Cas?” he opens the door in a swift move and almost hits the angel in the face but instead finds himself standing awkwardly close to him. Cas is already dressed with the tux from last night but without the bow tie, cuff links and waistcoat and his hair messy from lying in bed next to him all night, he looks messy, a look that compliments him immensely.

“Yes Dean,” the angel answers and Dean is staring into his blue eyes again. He’s suddenly very conscious of the fact that he’s not wearing anything.

“Nothing,” Dean snaps, quickly going to grab his boxers before Cas can see anything and starts getting dressed.

Cas sits down on the bed with a miserable look on his face. “Did I do something wrong?” he asks after a short pause and Dean feels like an asshole when he doesn’t answer. “Was the sexual act not pleasing for you, Dean?”

Dean stops halfway through buttoning his shirt and turns to face Cas. “Look,” he says, trying to control his tone. “Everything is okay, you didn’t do anything wrong, but this; what happened between us, it shouldn’t have happened and we shouldn’t mention it anymore.”

Dean continues to get dressed and he’s now putting his shoes on while Cas is still sitting on the bed, looking miserable and helpless. Dean feels a mix of pity, guilt, regret and anger building inside of him and he still tries to control himself, to remind himself that _he_ is the one who he’s angry with and not Cas. Cas is... Such a good friend, such a loyal companion and he was just being all that without really being able to understand Dean’s deeper feelings and reservations regarding sexual orientation and the crap that sex can bring into a friendly relationship.

He can’t explain it to him, right now, and he knows that even if he tries, Cas will not be able to deeply understand what this means to a human being. All this ‘universal love’ and ‘no distinction in creation’ crap is very well for angels and new age yahoos but not for normal people.

“Let’s go,” he says dryly and though it hurts him to see Cas hardly dragging himself out of the hotel room, face grave and confused, there’s nothing he can say right now that won’t make everything worse.

They drive in silence and every once in a while, flashes and images from last night’s events, come to Dean’s mind and he moves between feeling his spine tingle excitedly with memory and feeling shame and disgust with himself for allowing it to even happen.

Cas looks like his energy was reduced by half since last night and he knows that it’s his fault. He also knows that praising him, even a little, even with one little thing, would make matters so much better but he can’t bring himself to do that.

When they arrive to the bunker, Cas walks right behind Dean and he calls him to stop for a second, and though he can hear the desperation in Cas’ voice, Dean doesn’t stop, he just goes to his room and closes the door. He spends the next few hours lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling while his mind races with thoughts and memories. One side of him, that he doesn’t quite understand, is looking at all of this from the sidelines, praising him for the way he did all the things he did to Cas last night, because after all, he didn’t have any experience with THIS kind of sex.

When he finally feels like he can, maybe, face the world again, he gets out of bed and into the kitchen to grab a beer. Sam is there, working on his laptop and he hardly raises his head to say hi. Dean is expecting some sort of drama and he finally realizes that he was expecting Sam to know or feel something and give him crap about it but now he understands that Sam doesn’t know anything and everything is as usual.

“What’s up?” he asks him, leaning on the counter, and takes a sip of his beer.

“All as usual,” says Sam and raises his head to look at Dean. “I may have found us a new case.”

“Good,” Dean answers and lowers his gaze to the linoleum floor, not able to meet his brother’s gaze.

“Is everything okay?” Sam sounds a bit concerned and is still trying to search for Dean’s eyes with no success.

“Yes, why wouldn’t it be?” he gulps his beer quickly and turns to leave the kitchen.

“You didn’t even ask what’s this case about.” Sam replies but Dean is distracted and he stares at the beer bottle, in his hand, for a long minute before taking another sip.

“Do you know where Cas is?” Sam asks and Dean stops.

“Isn’t he here?” he asks incredulous. It’s not that he’s not allowed to go, of course he does and he goes very often; but with the state he was in this morning, Dean doesn’t think it’s reasonable for him to have left.

“He left at noon,” Sam replies. “A few hours after you came back, and he didn’t say anything so I thought he’ll be back shortly; but he didn’t. Also… Dean... he didn’t look so well. Did anything happen to him while you went away?”

“Something happened to him?” he asks, his voice much louder than he intended “What in the world could have happened? We just went to a freakin’ wedding!”

“Nothing, I don’t know…” Sam half mumbles “I was just a bit worried about him, that’s all.”

“Well, don’t worry about him,” replies Dean on his way out of the kitchen, feeling like the biggest asshole in the world.

He goes back to his room and resumes his gaze at the ceiling. Some part of him is surprised to realize that it’s almost as if he’s punishing himself. He goes through the memories of last night again, almost against his will. They keep intruding to his mind, to his thoughts and messing with his insides.

He can’t stop thinking about Cas’s mouth, his lips, his arms, his dick in his mouth or pressed against his body right before they came together. He thinks about his eyes and that snake resumes coiling and uncoiling in his chest. He is aroused now, as if it was business as usual for his dick, with no regards to what he’s going through. Dean shuts his eyes and squeezes them with two fingers. He needs Cas’s eyes to be out of his head.

He decides to try and summon all his memories from Lisa, replace the memory of Cas’s lips with her lips, his arms with hers and her beautiful body, illuminated only by a beam of moonlight coming through the window. He opens his jeans and slides his hand to release his dick and with his eyes shut, he tries to remember the way Lisa touched him right there, the way her mouth swallowed his whole length, her nipples tickling his thighs while she worked on his length and the way her body moved. He starts to move his hand up and down, slowly, and concentrate on the image of Lisa’s breasts jumping up and down when she rode him, her smile that was always a little crooked when she was really into it and the small sexy moans that she always tried to control for fear of Ben hearing them. He feels like he is getting closer to explode and some part of him is celebrating the fact that he is masturbating thinking about a woman, and not Cas.

Fuck! As that thought crosses his mind, all of the images of Lisa fall away from him, as if sucked by a black hole and Cas’ face, eyes, hands, dick, lips slam back into his mind at the exact moment he climaxes and calls Cas’ name.

He stays there, eyes closed, his chest heaving and his sticky hand still holding his soft cock.

“Dean,” he hears Cas call and opens his eyes to see the angel standing right next to his bed, his eyes soft.

“Cas? What are you doing here?” he asks and rushes to pull a blanket over his naked body, a gesture that is not lost on the angel.

“You called,” he answers with a confused face. “I heard my name.”

“I guess you did,” sighs Dean and pulls a blanket over his nakedness.

“Do you require any assistance?” he asks and Dean can see that he’s not looking directly at his face.

“No,” Dean sighs again and doesn’t know what to say.

“Shall I go?” he asks in a hard voice and Dean’s heart breaks because he realizes again how much he has hurt Cas and how afraid he must be from getting hurt again but still appears whenever Dean needs him.

“No,” he says “Just let me clean up a little and we’ll talk, okay?”

“I can help you clean up,” Cas says and Dean doesn’t want to reject him again so he agrees and conflicting emotions drive him insane while Cas disappears and reappears with a warm wet towel and cleans Dean’s dick, balls, stomach and finally his hand gently and thoroughly.

When Dean is clean and dressed, he sits back on the bed, looking at the angel standing there.

“Cas…” he tries to start a sentence that he doesn’t even know how to finish. “Listen, I…”

“I love you too,” Cas blurts out.

“What?” Dean doesn’t know what to say. He was not expecting the conversation to go anywhere near that area.

“Last night,” Cas says. “You said you loved me.” He pauses. “I love you too.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas have a conversation about love but Dean still can't accept what happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is quite angsty and made me feel a little guilty but I love the result. It's a bit short but it felt right to pause there.

“What do you know about love?” dean sighs staring into Cas’s eyes.

“Don’t underestimate me, Dean!” Cas says with an edge “I have millennia of love and devotion in my past”

“It’s not the same” Dean says and there’s some sadness in his voice.

“Dean,” Cas says “You keep thinking, from some reason, that me being an angel makes me incapable of understanding anything human but it’s not true. At least not entirely true” he pauses for a moment “Love is not a human concept” he continues “Love is a divine concept and it reflects god’s love to his creation” he takes a step closer to Dean and for a moment he almost touches his head but then his hand drops when he sees that Dean escapes his gaze so he keeps standing there awkwardly.

“it’s a lot more complicated than that” Dean says in a chocked voice, his eyes closed. All he wants, really wants, is to hug Cas tight and breathe his unique scent.

“Why?” Cas asks, and Dean looks into his eyes for a second and feel like his heart is breaking because he doesn’t know what to do.

“I don’t know Cas” he breathes heavily “I don’t even know what that is. Am I gay now? And where did it all come from? I never knew, never thought… It was never even a thought, an idea, an option… Why suddenly?...”

“It was there for a very long while, Dean” Cas says in his fact telling voice “I noticed it years ago but I didn’t know a lot about humans and didn’t know if it was just a human thing and you are all like this. It took me a while to notice that Sam’s feelings, for example, were different”

“Are you trying to say I was in love with you?” Dean almost shouts

“I’m not trying to say anything, Dean and I’m not trying to manipulate you, I’m just telling you my point of view” he’s quiet for a moment while Dean is staring at him with a hard gaze “You are right about me not knowing everything about human love. Well, at least about the falling in love part and the sexual relations part.”

“Damn right, you don’t” Dean attacks and tries to ignore the fact that it makes Cas flinch “You don’t know a thing about how it complicates everything too”

“What do you mean?” Cas asks after a moment of silence

“isn’t it clear?” he almost shouts “yesterday, before that wedding, everything was so simple between us, right? How many times before did we have to have a conversation like we’re having now? How many times before did we have to wonder how in the world can we continue to be friend? Like brothers?” his voice cracked a little at the end.

“Dean” Cas says and makes a second attempt to get closer to him, maybe trying to comfort him but Dean shot him a look that makes him stop again.

“Do you wish me to leave?” Cas asks in a grave voice

Dean takes a shaky breath before he replies “Yes, I think you should leave for a while” he answers, not looking at him.

Cas stands there for a few long seconds and looks at Dean intently but Dean keeps staring at the floor until Dean hears the ruffle of his wings and lifts his head to see Cas is gone.

He sits there for a few long minutes, his jaw twitching and he’s biting the inside of his cheek nervously. A little boy inside of him, the boy that didn’t have rules, that was never hurt, that only wanted to love and be loved, that boy wants to shout Cas’s name, to cry, to beg Cas for forgiveness but he swallows hard and forces that little kid to go back to sleep, deep, deep inside of him, in the most repressed corner of his soul.

 

 


	4. Dark Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Cas gone, Dean spends his days locked in his room, doesn't eat, doesn't sleep and doesn't hunt.

Sam doesn’t know what’s going on with Dean.

It’s not a new concept. Dean don’t ever talk about what’s happening to him and things are always revealed only when they escalate and become too big to repress. Sam knows his brother, he knows that’s probably how it’s gonna go down this time, like so many times before, but what he can see is that his brother is so sad, the saddest he’s ever seen him. He doesn’t eat, he hardly sleeps and he doesn’t fucking talk. At all. And it’s been like that for weeks! Add to that the fact that all of this started at the same time Cas disappeared without a word and that Dean refused to explain what happened to Cas and you get a pretty annoying mystery.

Cas did not answer to any of his prayers. It happened before, of course, but it wasn’t a good sign and to be perfectly honest, Sam is going out of his mind with not knowing what the hell happened.

Dean finds stupid excuses not to go hunting and it’s becoming ridiculous but when Sam tries to talk to him or confront him, Dean just gets defensive, shuts down and locks himself in his room. Sam can swear it’s like suddenly living with a teenager.

In the meantime, Sam goes hunting by himself, not the best idea, he knows, but sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Both Donna and Jodi helped him in some of the cases and he’s trying to contact other hunters to help him cover everything that comes up and every day, hoping that that would be the day when Dean finally gets over whatever it is he’s going through, he knocks on his door in the morning, only to hear him groan that he wants to be left alone.

He has about 100 ideas of what could have happened that made both Castiel and Dean react this way and none of them makes sense really so he decides to leave it. They are bound to get over it at some point and in the meantime, he has a job that he needs to do.

When he hears about strange killings near Arapahoe, WY, he halfheartedly asks Dean to join, he knows and he’s not disappointed to hear that the answer is a solemn ‘no’ and then takes off. On his way, he’s trying to call people and see if someone can join him but everyone’s busy and no one can come so he will have to manage alone this time.

The case is actually not too complicated, when you know what to look for and he finds that it’s a witch, a quite powerful one and her lover, trying to get rid of witnesses of her infidelity while she’s trying to take over her rich husband’s assets.

Handling the witch and her lover was actually easy and the only thing Sam didn’t take into account is that the husband, so far oblivious to what’s going on, is gonna be all protective of his wife and shoot Sam in his shoulder.

Sam manages to get to the car and escape but he feels like his energy is draining and he’s losing lots of blood. He knows he needs help and if he can’t get it, he will probably die here, in the middle of fucking nowhere. So, he stops the car and prays. He puts all his desperation in his prayer, stressing how urgent it is and that his life is at risk. Nothing happens and he keeps praying until he blacks out.

***

Sam wakes up near the bunker. He’s still in the car, lying on the back seat, and except from a killer headache, he’s surprised to find that he’s okay. He raises his head slowly, with a groan, to see that Cas is sitting in the driver’s seat, tapping nervously on the steering wheel and looking at the entrance door as if he’s planning to blast it. Sam saw Cas in all kinds of situations but he never saw him behaving like that.

“Cas” Sam says and it comes out in almost a whisper.

“Yes Sam” he answers without averting his eyes

“Thank you” he says and there are a few seconds of silence before Cas answers

“I will always come to help you, if I can, Sam” he says gravely and Sam knows he never sounded as sad.

“What happened, Cas?” he asks,

“You had a gunshot wound, I healed you” he answers, still tapping on the steering wheel

“No,” Sam says “What happened with Dean?”

“Why do you think something happened?” Cas finally turns to half face Sam

“He’s not eating Cas, he hardly leaves his room, he doesn’t sleep” he pauses for a second “He’s not hunting anymore”

“So that’s why you were on your own?” Cas asks and his voice is suddenly so angry that Sam feels the need to back away slightly. Angry Cas is a formidable creature.

“Yes,” Sam answers “I couldn’t find anyone to back me up and I had to go and do something about those killings”

“That’s it” Cas shouts and the Impala’s windows shatter with the force of his voice. Sam ducks to avoid additional damage but Cas is getting out of the car and starts walking towards the entrance door. Sam quickly gets out of the car and follows and as they go down the stairs, Dean is coming out of the corridor leading to their rooms.

“Sammy” he shouts “What the hell did you do to my baby. I heard the noise down in my room… Cas” he gasps and suddenly stands still and looks stunned.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Cas attacks.

“What?” he asks dumbly and looks like he’s seen a ghost

“You send your brother hunting by himself? He almost got himself killed tonight Dean!” Cas continues. He gets closer to dean and stands right before him “This has gone too far! Denying your feelings is one thing but you are now playing with your and your brother’s lives. He tells me you’re not eating” Cas growls “He tells me you never leave your room, that you stopped hunting but worse than anything, you no longer have your brother’s back” Cas’s face is now very close to Dean’s and he’s furious. Dean is just looking at the floor and it looks to Sam like he’s holding himself from, what really? Is he gonna try to hurt Cas? Even in his very strange state, he should know better than that. Sam steps closer to the both of them, he can almost feel the tension of the awkward silence and he puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Let it go Dean” he tells him, trying to break the spell of the moment he can only interpret as aggressive but when Dean raises his head and looks up at him, Sam is surprised to see something completely different in his face, something so unexpected that with all the years of reading Dean’s expressions, he finds himself confused.

“Are you okay, Dean?” Sam asks him softly

“Yeah Sammy,” he says, looking away again and trying to sound casual “I just need to talk to Cas for a moment. Alone”

“Sure thing,” Sam answers “Are you guys gonna be okay?” he asks, looking at Cas now and Cas nods.

***

When Sam leaves the room, they both stand there for a long moment, looking at one another and the tension is so tangible, Dean thinks that this can only end in a fight or rough sex but then Cas breaks the stare and walks to the other side of the room, touching the books on the shelves absently and dean thinks it strange.

“Cas,” he calls and the angel turns but doesn’t really look at Dean and when he doesn’t continue, Cas turns again and keeps looking at the books.

“Cas, please talk to me” Dean says and he’s surprised to hear some desperation in his voice.

“What there’s to talk about, Dean” he asks in a grave voice without turning.

“I didn’t know where you are, didn’t know if you were okay” Dean says and tries to keep his voice steady “I was worried”

“You asked me to leave” Cas says in a hard voice, turning now to stare Dean straight in his eyes.

“Yes, I know” Dean says “But I didn’t expect you to completely go off the radar”

“Well, I didn’t want to talk to you if I can be completely honest” he says and Dean realizes he’s saying the truth and it hurts him more than he could have expected.

“But see?” Dean says and he cannot help the whine in his voice “That’s exactly what I meant when I said that it complicates everything. We were fine before this and now it’s all messed up and it’s all my fault”

“Will you stop doing that?” Cas stands now very close to him, looking at him with an irritated expression on his face.

“Doing what?” Dean doesn’t understand

“First, you keep underestimating me, second you were not there alone and all this self-blame act is starting to get really old Dean. I’m not an helpless baby and though I’ve never experienced a sexual interaction, I was aware of what was happening while it happened. You keep forgetting that alcohol does not have the same effect on me. You were, well, very drunk but I wasn’t and I could stop you at any moment. So, let’s just establish that blaming yourself is pointless and inaccurate.”

“but Cas,” Dean tries to say

“No Dean.” Cas cuts him off “something started there, I felt it. I think you felt it too but from some reason you choose to keep denying it”

“I don’t know what I feel Cas, and you just came out of nowhere the other day saying that you love me. It messed me up man. I never told anyone I loved them in my life!”

“Yes, you did” Cas tells him

“What? No. Cas, I’ve never…”

“You said it to me that night after the wedding” Cas looks straight to his eyes and Dean sees pain there. Can it be that he told that to Cas and can’t remember? Was he that drunk?

“Cas, I don’t remember” he says and immediately regrets as he sees the hurt in Cas’s eyes  “I’m sorry” he says looking at him and he tries to be sincere but he is mostly terrified because he knows Cas is right and even if he doesn’t remember saying it, he knows what he feels and some part of him wishes he could just close that little distance between them and wrap his arms around his body and wipe the hurt from his eyes. But he doesn’t.

Cas stands there, looking at him with his head tilted a bit to the side, as if he’s trying to listen to something that Dean’s ears will never hear.

“Cas,” he says when the silence between them feels heavy on his chest but he doesn’t answer and keeps looking at him.

“Say something, please” Dean’s voice cracks a bit

“How long will it take?” Cas finally speaks.

“How long what will take?” Dean asks confused

“Dean,” he answers “How long do you need to accept what’s going on? I don’t mind, I can wait”

“Cas” Dean says and his hand goes through his hair in frustration “I don’t… I can’t”

“How long?” Cas is actually roaring now “How long will you deny yourself love and happiness? How long will you punish yourself and believe everything and everyone is your responsibility? How long you will be going believing that it’s your job to save everyone by yourself?”

“It is my job Cas” Dean also raises his voice “This is what I do. I save people…”

“Not alone! Nobody said you need to do it alone!” Cas cuts him off and Dean can see that he’s trying to control his anger. He’s all too aware of the damage his voice can do if he doesn’t.

“Every time I allowed myself to care about anyone, they got hurt and I’m talking serious hurt, like almost killed hurt. You know that Cas” he says and he feels like his voice is struggling to come out through his constricted throat and he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“How long?” Cas moves a little bit closer to him and his voice is now softer.

Dean looks at him, at his eyes that have an endless world within them, his lips that he already knows how soft they are and he feels like he’s just about to lose his resolve.

“You know what?” he tells Cas and turns away from him “I don’t need this crap. I’m outa here” and with this words he goes up the stairs and out of the bunker into the night air and into his precious bruised Impala. The windows are shattered and there’s glass everywhere but he doesn’t care. He goes out on the road, driving much too fast and ignoring the fact that he may have had one or two beers more than he should before driving. It doesn’t matter, he just needs to clear his head, put some distance between them and think.

He drives for maybe two hours before he decides to stop at a bar in the middle of nowhere.

‘Meaningless sex, that’s what he needs’, he thinks as he walks in and instantly spots two ladies who may find the idea appealing. He’s aware of his good looks, always was, and it was always too easy for him to score. Usually he would try to go for a challenge but for tonight he can choose an easy prey, someone who’s just a bit too self conscious and has low self esteem. Every bar in America has at least a few of those in any given moment and he just spots the perfect one.

She’s sitting at the far end of the bar and she looks like she was waiting for someone but gave up on the idea that he will show. Her body is exactly his type, feminine with relatively large boobs and nice figure. She’s playing with a napkin, rolling it on her finger and there’s sadness in her eyes. Dean feels a little bad for her and for a moment thinks to maybe leave her alone but then he steels himself. She doesn’t have to give in to his charms. If she’s smart, she won’t.

He buys a beer for himself and finds out she was drinking white wine so he gets her a glass and goes to her. She looks a bit startled to see him coming to her direction. There’s no one else sitting in this area of the bar and she looks nervously to her reflection on the window next to her, as if trying to decide what made him approach her.

“Hi” he says and gives her his most beautiful smile. She has no chance

“umm… Hi” she almost whispers

“My name is Dean and you are gorgeous” he says, putting the glass of wine in front of her and sliding to the chair next to her.

“I- I am?” she stutters

“As if you didn’t know that” he smiles and winks and puts his hand on her shoulder “I couldn’t stop looking at you from the moment I walked in” he leans in to say that in her ear and she blushes.

She is pretty though a bit simple but when she’s blushing and smiling, it makes her look so much more attractive and he knows it’s going to work.

He spends some time talking to her, asking her questions about her life and every once in a while, he moves a strand of hair from her face, touches her shoulder, moves his hand lightly across her back and he sees how she’s slowly melting. Some part of him wants to tell her to go home, the same part that wants to go back and hug Cas forever but he shuts himself up not to hear that voice. He buys her another glass of wine and then another and his hand is now on her thigh, moving his fingers up and down and pulling her skirt up just a little bit and she’s already so soft and gives in to him so easily. He snakes his hand around her back and hugs her, the palm of his hand on her hip and when she turns her head to look at him, he presses his lips onto hers and kisses her lightly. She’s totally there with him, there will be no obstacles. While he deepens the kiss, he allows the hand that’s on her hip to slide up a little bit to trace the swell of her breast until he finds her nipple and he feels how it hardens under his touch. His other hand is slowly caressing the inside of her thigh and her breath catches a little every time he dares to go just a tiny bit further up.

“Want to get outa here?” Dean asks here between kisses and his hands are all over her

“Yes,” she says, breathlessly “I have a room at the motel across the street”

“Awesome” he says smiling and they walk outside, unable to stop touching each other. When they finally standing in front of her room’s door, Dean is standing behind her, his hand practically down her dress, massaging and teasing her nipples and she leans her head back on his shoulder while trying to feel for the key inside her purse and little moans escape her.

When they are inside, Dean doesn’t wait, they stumble a little and Dean holds on to the wall, pressing her body to his and when she leans her back to the wall he grabs her thigh and lifts her leg, draping it around his mid-section and sends his long hand to the bottom of her dress, pulling the fabric up and very soon his hands pushes her panties aside and his finger tests her entrance. He doesn’t even bother to take his clothes off, just opens his zipper and lets out his cock, then he lifts her up and while she’s still leaning on the wall, he pushes inside her. Her moans drive him over the edge and before he even knows what happened, he’s done, panting and sticky with come.

“I’m sorry” he tells her after a minute, helping her to stand back on her legs and then he pushes his, now soft, cock, back in his pants and closes his zipper.

“It’s okay” she says gently “That happens. Don’t worry about it, and maybe you’ll feel like trying again later”

“No!” He exclaims, realizing it came out much louder than he intended “I can’t stay. I’m sorry” he walks to the door.

“What kind of an asshole are you?” she gets angry “Who does this?”

“I’m sorry” he apologizes again and walks out and as he walks away he hears her frustrated scream.

He feels sick, physically sick and very soon his retching above a stinky trash can. He goes back to baby, with her broken windows and he doesn’t care, he climbs to the back seat and lays down, his arm over his eyes and his head spinning.

He was wrong. Having sex with that woman was not what he needed. He felt dirty and unworthy and a wave of pain goes through him when he realizes that everything he wants is to be with Cas. To have his arms around him but he’s so unworthy… So unworthy…

 


End file.
